When I started to learn about viewing myself, the world, and the nature of the cosmos through the lens of evolutionary astrology as taught/channeled by Tom Jacobs tons of thoughts, connections, downloads, and processes started happening. It quickly became all consuming and this information and my experiences needed some where to go. I wasn't ready to share much of it with my own clients, and students, for multitude of layered reasons. Which are explored in depth throughout. Yet, I knew how important this was to document from the beginning. From my understanding I'm around a half way point in getting a full picture of what all of the purpose of this, though I don't actually know what that means even as I write it. From April of 2021 - October of 2022 I have accumulated over 2000 pages of hand written journals, as well as a collection of what could best be described as essays.
I believe this work is a critical component to the evolution of humanity. Currently, I am one of only a very few of Tom's advanced Evolutionary Astrology students and I believe I am at a place now to begin to move these entries from my private journals to a place where others can access and follow my journey. Not all of the entries are directly related to his work, but it is difficult for me to separate what is a direct influence, what is several steps removed, what was a download from something that was activated, and what is more of a refinement of something that I had been working with for years. The fact is the further I get into it the more I recognize how it is all connected and trying to separate it wastes valuable time.
May 14, 2021
Transiting Jupiter conjunct Moon in Pisces in 8th house.
Also conjunct middle child's 6 planet Stellium including his Sun
Since we both have major aspects it will be interesting to observe. Things are too loud right now. I thing this moon conjunction is hard. I can't hear my own thoughts right now. Everyone is getting on my nerves. This is why I have noise canceling headphones. I want to be able to sit alone and write. I want my family to be 100x quieter and not watch tv. They are so fucking loud. Of course everyone is on edge all the time it is NEVER quiet. Should I be writing about gratitude. No, I'm supposed to dealing with my Pluto shit. I am literally a big ball of triggers. My relationships, my ability for selfcare, my ability to be assertive, to communicate, being able to speak write, understand and ask questions is always at the center of my heartbreak. Mystery Schools of many lives. Being held back because I didn't speak up or have the right answer to the right question. A game show but it was life wasn't it/ Not just hurt for not knowing but not being able to know. How many times when was the first from this life? Can I find it and sit with it? Where was I not allowed to go? What answers were not there. Changing schools and being in a lower reading group because my friend was in it.
We don't have time for but you have to be in charge. I want to but no one is available. I learn to read early and it it gets taken away. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I remember praying. Too fat, too tall always something wrong with my body. The expectation that I was always too much but needed to be in charge. I never wanted to be. I still don't. yet I keep getting in positions that I am and then don't do well.
Too much and never enough that's not Pluto, that's Lilith/Chiron. The wounds that everyone sees. I cannot hide Lilith/Chiron. Turns out I am actually fairly comfortable in this
May 9, 2021
Pre subscription service group reading notes
I'm tired of trying to figure everything out. Fear of really putting myself out there. Been controlling all aspects of family life for 14 years. All my clients are people I have met and connect with me prior to them coming to a class or receiving services. One time I had a client that I knew wasn't in alignment. I want to help people but not everyone wants to be helped. What if I get criticized (starting new job at resort spa as astrologer) in the middle of a shift. I feel secure having only people in my space that I invited. There are a million ways I could be triggered by fairly minor issues.
When not allowed to make time for self care I lash out at family. How do I live without fighting with my family. I need lots of time for selfcare and even more if I'm "out there" so I how can I possibility do this? I'm scared "never met anyone that was so full of life and so afraid to live"
Working on instant grounding techniques is SO IMPORTANT.
May 8, 2021
EA Fundamental I completed, beginning EA Fundamentals II.
It's my anniversary. Working with oils helps us tap into specific parts of our psyche to release, balance, move and expand.
I love my Lilith, but knowing she is conjunct one son's Chiron (like mine) and one son's Pluto is a bit unnerving. They don't necessarily come from what I'm doing but my own ancestral wounds. We know based on my south node conjunct that my family "doesn't know what to do with strong women" and that this is the most visible part of me. So as I heal this hopefully it will help them and allow a new generation of men to see how not oppress strong women.
April 20, 2021
Could not nurse anymore. I'm just so done with this. So tonight I reached out to Mother Mary. I just told her I was done. Asking her to help me find new ways to feed, love and comfort. She heard me and saw me so clearly. I felt her gifts of new bonds filling me as she eased my son to sleep. The whole thing felt like a portal. That was where this started wasn't it. I was looking for the portal and she showed up! It was an instant change for my little one. I cried to her for several minutes. It worked. This shall be my new practice. Thank you Mother Mary you are full of grace and unconditional love guiding us, especially mothers and young children. Holding us, wanting to be asked for help from the purest, truest heart.
Power and fear
April 15, 2021
First entry after first subscription service live reading. Had also gotten about half way through EA fundamentals I and had barely slept in days absorbing all of the materials. The first thing I said was that I was feeling star struck and had no idea what to do with myself. A degree of honesty that I surprised myself with, I was generally a person that would try to play it cool in order to try and avoid looking like an utterly foolish fan girl.
Power comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable when we are open to new ideas we let in opportunity but we can also open ourselves up to fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure. Fear isn't always a bad thing. It's our instincts trying to protect us. So we need to be with our fears to understand where they are coming from. What's the root? What are they trying to tell you. Again asking the question is this mine. Am I choosing based in fear. What am I afraid of? Is this mine?
The Before Time
April 5, 2021
Entry 1 day before I received my initial recorded Soul's Journey Reading.
Easter Sunday. From Jesus we understand anger tells us what we need to change. It is a gift. Ask what would love do. What can you do to be so fully present in your message that the living of it seems like a miracle.